Demon's Oppresion Chapter One-Original

[kingdomheart]

This is my rough draft of Chapter on of my story, first story!
Please tell me what you think about it!

Demon’s Oppression
Chapter 1

Dengar sighed, “Never, in my entire life have I seen anyone improve their skill so quickly. You’ve done in a few months what it took me a few years to accomplish! You will do great things with your life, I can just tell…” He was a short man, tall was not in his family gene. His age was showing, his once thick brown hair thinned and became a cloudy gray. Plump was a newfound feature on him as he had gone into retirement from the military. Pale, green orbs floated in his head, seemingly finishing him.
“Thank you sir, that is quite an honor coming from you. My parent’s spoke very highly of you and your skill” recited Domink proudly. She was a brunette with blue stripes lining her shoulder length hair. Light blue eyes made a powerful expression on her face that attracts any wandering eyes. She was skinny and muscular; the perfect build for a warrior.
“Please dear, call me Dengar, Dengar Junli. Now Domink Maduwi, I’m getting old, so please tell me your story, just one more time…”

* * *

The sky was strange, like she had never seen it before. It seemed dark and gloomy but it was not exactly, it was foggier, shady. Light from the major cities and kingdoms throughout Kaspaak could not be seen tonight. Sicion was playing with his little Scath, Munis, under the old Frickleberry tree. Sicion had been quiet of late; he was always alone except for Munis. He was lean and tall, with spiky brown hair.
When Sicion was ten, our parents gave him Munis and told him it was a very important creature and to always take very good care of it. I always thought they were just trying to teach Sicion a lesson because they never mentioned it again but, Sicion does keep Munis well kept.
Sicion was twenty-one, I was eighteen. Mother and father were both in their early sixties now. They were dueling by the back porch as they would do every once in a while, I found it strange because they were no where close to being fighters nor were they ever.
All of the days farming was done and our family usually stayed in the field during the evening. I was digging a hole in our field; I had been working on it for many weeks. It had become a tunnel and it was very long but I had still not seen anything interesting in my digs. A three minute trip was now required to get from the farthest point in my tunnel to the entrance and the opposite.
I was digging some more when a sudden large bang shook the tunnel and halted my work. The tunnel seemed unstable and I crawled out hurriedly and everything was black. I jumped out and saw a muscular black figure standing over a small maelstrom.
“Kajara! How did you… What…. We destroyed you decades ago!” Domink looked to see who was talking. She turned and saw her parents holding mystical weapons only spoken of in legend! The darkness became pure light suddenly and was blinding to Domink. She squinted and looked a Kajara, the demon.
“Now my dears, you only imprisoned me to my home in the burning Hells but I was nowhere close to destroyed!” A deep, evil laugh came from his direction but she could see no mouth on his completely black body.
“What is going on here?” She yelled to no one in particular. A sudden realization came to her, “Where is Sicion!” The demon laughed again and then she saw him, floating in midair his eyes completely white. “What did you do to him, you demon!” Domink screamed rage fully.
“Domink stop! You’re not helping!” her mother ordered. “Now, now, it’s okay, but I am going to need Sicion to regain my power.” laughed Kajara calmly. Dark lights began to slowly flow from the demon into Sicion until a large crack occurred. Kajara was no more but Sicion’s eye had become black and he looked different. He had become more muscular and black smoke came from him.
“Finally it is done! Now my demonic powers will return and I will be more powerful than before” bellowed Sicion in the demonic voice of Kajara. “Now I will eliminate you!” He pointed at the elder Maduwi’s. “You monster! What have you done with Sicion?” screamed Domink. “Domink get away or he’ll kill you!” yelled her father.
She ran behind her parents hurriedly and turned around. Sicion now brandished a large demonic sword. Her father launched at him and Sicion lashed out the sword but her father managed to block it. Sicion proved to be too quick though as he unleashed a series of quick rebound slashed which cut her father to shreds.
Her mother yelled and lunged at Sicion who cried out ‘Inferno!’ as she attacked. A large pillar of fire surrounded Sicion and shot straight at Mrs. Maduwi. Domink assumed she was incinerated instantly because when the flames cleared her mother was gone.
“Those old Maduwi’s lost their spirit huh?” Sicion laughed. “Now wasn’t there a girl too?” He asked to himself. Hearing this Domink began to run, so fast that she forgot she was running towards her tunnel. She fell in and on instinct began to crawl. She reached the end faster than usual and decided to dig.
After about an hour, she reached some softer dirt and dug faster. She suddenly came to an opening and fell into a small room. After her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she noticed a door and opened it. Surprisingly, she noticed it went right to her parent’s room! A drawer had been moved aside as if someone had just recently been down here. A wave of sadness came over her as she realized who, her parents. She sat down and cried until she heard something in the house.
It was Sicion! After going back into the small room, she moved the drawer back over the door.
She wandered over to a large cabinet in the strange room, and opened it. More weapons only heard of in legend laid before her eyes! She sat next to the cabinet and thought of what she should do next. Many thoughts flowed through her mind but none seemed too appealing. The tiring experience she had just been through is the only thing she could think of and she decided to sleep.
During her sleep, she dreamed of a man who she knew like an uncle, a warrior but she couldn’t remember his name. She awoke and stood and looked over the weapons again. Then it came to her, Dengar Junli! She examined the weapons to see which one she wanted, for she knew what she must do, become a warrior to defeat the demon, Kajara.
A mysterious sound appeared behind her and she quickly picked up a long spear and turned. Dark and light seemed to be combined creating a being of sorts she had never heard or seen. It spoke in a smooth convincing tone:
Szoa, the tri-rune
Rune of your mythic family
Use the spear well
And Szoa will return again

“What are you talking about? Who are you? How did you get in here?” asked Domink rapidly. “Questions to remain unanswered young Domink, now take a final look at the chest and leave this place immediately!” It responded in its calm tone.
She turned towards the cabinet while asking “How do you know my na…” but stopped when she noticed everything from the closet except the spear she was holding were gone. “What did you do with it?” she cried turning around, but it was no longer there.
Looking at the spear she noticed something she hadn’t noticed before, a rune. “Szoa…” she mumbled noticing that she had never heard of a Szoa rune before but now she knew it by heart. “Strange…”
After one more short nap, she took the spear, and anything else she could find and left for Dengar’s house.

* * *

“Domink, your parents were two of the most famed warriors in all of Kaspaak. They never told you of Sicion because they did not want to pressure you two,” Dengar spoke quietly. “They kept all of the weapons we found on our journeys and I kept all of the armor. I believe we can find something for you to wear…” He stood up and walked to his drawer and pushed it aside. A door laid behind it. They went down and he opened a cabinet similar to that of her parents. Inside were many pieces of armor and shields.
“Strange, I don’t remember us getting anything like this…” Dengar mumbled to himself. Domink noticed a tiny rune on the light armor, and said as if she was possessed, “Szoa.” She remembered the saying the creature made.
“Hmm? What is Szoa?” questioned Dengar. “A rune, I want that armor,” demanded Domink. “But dear, there are many better than that…” Dengar mumbled quietly. “I want that one!” shrieked Domink loudly.
“Okay, if you say so…” quoted Dengar. “Dear, I believe it is time for your journey to begin, tomorrow you should be off. I would come with you but my old age is getting to me,” chuckled Dengar assuredly.
“Thank you very much sir! I will return to you during my trip. Your training is much appreciated,” said Domink gratefully and left him to go to her quarters.
END

[Veers]

Needs more white space. Double space it or at least break out the paragraphs more clearly.

First paragraph--
Tallness, plumpness. Green orbs? Are they eyes? Or magical balls? Or warts? I'd work on that sentence. And Domink recited? Maybe you mean it to convey this, but that sounds very stiff and forced on her character's part (not your writing).

What is a Scath? A slave? A pet? A toy? Might want to say what it is since you've included no glossary. I'm all for making up your own terms for things, but we can't read your mind. You say more of it in the following sentence(s) but I had to stop and read that first sentence twice looking for what a Scath was supposed to be, because I couldn't get a picture in my head of what was going on.

You may want to say what her parents are dueling with. Pistols? Swords? Gunblades? Scythes and pitchforks, since it's a farm? And suddenly they have legendary weapons in their hands, but, again, we don't have any idea what they may be.

"Domink screamed rage fully" Uh, what? Maybe, "Domink screamed in rage" or "Domink, enraged, screamed." Also around this area you really need to break it up so we can tell more clearly who is doing the talking. Also, a line like "'Now, now, it’s okay, but I am going to need Sicion to regain my power.' laughed Kajara calmly." After "power" you might want a comma, since the laugh is part of what he says, you just use "laughed" instead of actually writing out "bwahahaha" or something (which is good).

You switch to 3rd person in the middle of the narration. That really throws people off. She is telling the story to Dengar; stay in 1st person for that. Starting from, "'Domink stop! You’re not helping!' her mother ordered."

"Her father launched at him and Sicion lashed out the sword but her father managed to block it." -- We still don't know if he's blocking it with a fist, sword, or his teeth. No need to specify everything all the time, but from the previous paragraph I'm still unsure how to picture her parents.

"A large pillar of fire surrounded Sicion and shot straight at Mrs. Maduwi. Domink assumed she was incinerated instantly because when the flames cleared her mother was gone." -- Who in the world is Mrs. Maduwi and where did she come from? At first I thought that was Domink's family's name, but I'm not sure, because the next sentence makes it sound almost like it's missing an "also" or "too" implying that Domink's mother and Mrs. Maduwi are different people. Up to this part of the story, it's been told in first person and referring to someone Mrs. Maduwi makes it sound like a neighbor, not how a young girl would refer to her mother. If you want to keep the Mrs. Maduwi part, I'd at least drop a hint somewhere in the first paragraph or two that Domink's last name is Maduwi OR that there is a friend in the field with the family.

After she runs down he tunnel I'm a little confused... She finds her parents' room-behind-their-room and hears the demon moving around in the house so she just decides to take a nap?! Um...

When the spectre apears to her and starts chanting, you use the word convincing. I dunno if that's a good word to use because I'm not convinced of anything because it's some riddle I don't understand...and I'm sure Domink is in the same position in that sense. She seems to sleep a lot, too, even after all that and being spooked by a sort of ghost...

At the last bit, they're talking about her going on a journey, but that was never mentioned before. Seems a little rushed...I mean, she just told him the story (again, I guess, he said his memory wasn't what it used to be), and now she's rushing off to...somewhere (I guess we'll find out in the next chapter).

---

This isn't bad for a draft. If you only do one thing, put some paragraph breaks in there. If you do two things, be consistant with your perspectives. If you do more than two things, look at some of the word usage and lack of details I pointed out.

Keep it up!
~Veers