I'm by no means a regular in this forum, so I feel pushy asking for feedback, but I'd appreciate some on this short script. It's a post college psuedo-pilot type thing that needs a punch up. This is the first draft. Thanks.
EDIT: Since the forum messes with the format, here's the script as a .pdf, if you're so inclined.
http://rapidshare.com/files/37629033/TV_Pilot.pdf.html
*************
FADE IN:
EXT. JONS PARENTS HOUSE - DAY
JON, 23, tired and looking slightly melancholy, is unloading
boxes from the trunk of a car. He carries the boxes from the
car and places them on the porch of the house. He returns to
the car for when...
SETH (O.C.)
JON-NAY!
Jon looks up and sees SETH, 23, laid back and oblivious but
at the same time cunning, approaching him. Seth is eating an
apple.
JON
Hey, Seth.
SETH
Look at Mr. Big College Graduate!
How's it feel to be back in the ol'
stomping grounds?
JON
It feels like I'm walking into an
elephant graveyard.
He looks at the house.
JON
This is where everything comes to
die.
SETH
Living at home won't be THAT bad.
Jon gives Seth a doubtful look.
SETH
Alright, maybe it will. I'd invite
you to live with me, but my place
is small enough as it is.
Jon grabs a box full of clothes from the trunk of his car and
moves towards the porch.
SETH
Wow, you've got a lot of stuff,
huh?
Seth follows him, munching the apple. A lone SOCK falls out
of the box Jon is carrying. Seth dutifully points at it but
makes no attempt to pick it up.
SETH
You dropped a sock.
They make their way towards the house as we...
CUT TO:
CREDIT SEQUENCE ON BLACK BACKGROUND.
CUT TO:
EXT. JONS PARENTS HOUSE PORCH - DAY
Jon places the box of clothes down and collapses into a porch
chair. Seth tosses his apple core into the bushes and sits in
a chair next to him.
SETH
You wanna go out tonight?
JON
I dunno. I'm kinda beat. I had to
make two trips back and forth from
school to get all of my stuff.
SETH
Aw, c'mon. You haven't been back in
a while, you should see people.
JON
(sarcastic) Yeah, maybe I'll get
lucky and it will be as exciting as
last time.
CUT TO:
INT. ADAM AND MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
MELISSA, 23, self involved and pathologically peppy, stands
at a window. She excitedly points out features of this window
as a SEMI CIRCLE OF PEOPLE, including Jon, watch.
Jon, drinking a beer, looks bored as hell but everyone else
in the semi circle seems oddly interested by this
demonstration.
MELISSA
So anyway, I told Adam that we
simply HAD to do something about
these windows. When I put my face
right up next to it (she
demonstrates), I could feel this
cold draft of air coming right
through! And with heating costs
being what they are I knew we just
HAD to replace them!
The semi circle nods in agreement.
CIRCLE MEMBER 1
(matter of factly) Home heating
costs ARE on the rise.
The group nods in a "what are you going to do about it?"
manner at this profound statement. Jon can't believe what
he's hearing.
MELISSA
Right! So anyway, we called his
company, um...
She tries to remember the name, then gives up and yells:
MELISSA
...ADAM! What was the name of that
window company we called!?
ADAM (O.C.)
Thomas Panes.
CIRCLE MEMBER 2
Oh, that's clever!
MELISSA
I know, isn't it! So anyway we
called them up and they replaced
the window. Great price, too. And
when we compared our heating bill
to the one from last month we had
lowered our energy use by 12 thermo
units!
CIRCLE MEMBER 1
Wow! That must be almost $8!
MELISSA
It's nine dollars and thirty two
cents, actually! So anyway...
She trails off, continuing to talk about the windows. Jon
slowly backs away from the semi circle.
INT. ADAM AND MELISSA'S KITCHEN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Jon enters the kitchen. ADAM, 23, a worn down shell of a man,
sits at the kitchen table, staring off into space and
mechanically drinking a beer.
JON
(sarcastic) Adam, you got yourself
a helluva deal with those windows.
Adam doesn't respond, he just follows Jon with his eyes as
Jon goes to the fridge and takes out another beer.
JON
Are we seriously talking about
windows and heating costs? Is this
what happens when you leave school?
I mean, have you ever been so
bored?
Adam sits silently for a minute, and when Jon gives up
waiting for a response Adam replies in a monotone:
ADAM
I work a 60 hour week for salary.
And I'm engaged.
Adam sips his beer and stares straight ahead. Jon considers
this fact.
CUT TO:
EXT. JONS PARENTS HOUSE PORCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Jon has finished his story to Seth.
SETH
Twelve thermo units? Wow. I would
have guessed nine at the most.
JON
I don't know if I can go through
that again.
SETH
Welcome to the mean streets of the
real world, my friend.
JON
Hmm. What are you up to these days?
SETH
I've got a job interview tomorrow.
JON
Oh yeah? What's that about?
SETH
Some computer programing gig at a
company in the city. I guess they
write the security software for
military computer defense systems.
Jon is surprised.
JON
Computer programming for the
military?
SETH
Yeah.
A beat.
JON
But you graduated with a degree in
psychology. And barely.
SETH
You think it might be a tough sell?
JON
I think it'd be easier to pitch
those US state quarter collections
they sell for $29.99.
Seth is puzzled by the comparison.
JON
You know, the quarters with the
states on the back? And there's
fifty of them? For $29.99?
Seth still doesn't get it. Jon gives up.
JON
Well, good luck with the interview.
SETH
Thanks.
A CAR pulls into the driveway.
SETH
Looks like your dad's home. I'm
gonna take off. I'll give you a
call later, we'll go do something.
JON
Alright, see ya.
Seth walks away. Jon's father, MR. PAUL BARNES, early 50s,
stuck in his ways and focused on what he considers important,
walks past him.
SETH
Hey, Mr. Barnes. How are ya?
PAUL
(nods curtly) Seth.
Seth takes off and Paul walks onto the porch and stands next
to Jon. Paul watches Seth leave.
PAUL
I never did much like that kid.
JON
I know. You tell me every time you
see him.
PAUL
So, how's it feel to be back home?
JON
Bittersweet.
PAUL
Got a job yet? Any interviews lined
up?
JON
I just got home!
PAUL
Well, don't just sit around all
day. Do something productive. And
take these boxes off of the porch.
I don't want to know what people
might think, driving by and seeing
boxes strewn all over our property.
JON
What they might think? What, they
gonna think we have hobos living
outside of our house?
PAUL
Don't get smart with me. If you're
going to be living in this house
then you're going to have to live
by my rules.
Paul opens the front door of the house, but then remembers
something else.
PAUL
Oh, and get changed into some work
clothes. We're going to put up some
dry wall in the attic tonight. And
then I want you to repaint the back
hallway.
JON
Put up dry wall!? I'm exhausted!
PAUL
A little work never hurt anybody.
Paul enters the house. Jon leans his head back and closes his
eyes.
JON
Oh. My. God.
INT. SETHS APARTMENT - NIGHT
Jon is talking to Seth.
JON
So then I installed dry wall for
three hours. And I have to scrape
the mold from the foundation of the
house tomorrow.
SETH
That's a new one.
JON
Why is it that the older you get,
the more you care about stuff that
doesn't matter?
From gay marriage to an obession
for things being where they
"belong", old people are all over
it.
SETH
Those boxes WERE messing up your
yards fung shui.
JON
Shut up.
LAUREN, 23, high sturng and obsessive, enters.
JON
Lauren! Long time no see.
Lauren ignores him.
LAUREN
Did you guys get this in the mail?
She puts the card on the table. Jon and Seth lean in to look
at it.
ANGLE ON
The card. It is a wedding invitation.
SETH
Adam and Melissa's wedding
invitation? Yeah, I got it weeks
ago.
JON
(to Lauren) You're in the wedding?
LAUREN
Yeah, I'm a groomsman, like you
guys.
JON
A groomsman? Don't you need to
be... a man?
LAUREN
What the hell are you talking
about?
SETH
Yeah, shouldn't you be a
bridesmaid?
LAUREN
Why would I be a bridesmaid? I'm
not friends with Melissa, I'm
friends with Adam.
JON
Are you wearing a tux?
LAUREN
(obviously) Yes.
SETH
They make tuxedos for women?
LAUREN
What would be the difference
between a man's tuxedo and a
woman's tuxedo?
SETH
I don't really know.
JON
So you're going to be paired up
with another woman when we walk
down the aisle?
LAUREN
I guess. What's your point?
JON
I dunno, it just seems odd. The
whole white wedding thing and then
two women, one of whom is wearing a
tuxedo, walking down the aisle
holding hands.
LAUREN
I'm sure Jesus won't mind.
JON
Allah might. (re: Seth) And what
about Yahweh?
SETH
I dunno. I haven't talked to him in
a while.
Lauren shakes them off.
LAUREN
Shut up. Anyway, did you read this
thing (points at the card)?
SETH
I glanced at it.
LAUREN
Did you see the bottom?
She holds the card up in front of his face. He reads from it.
SETH
"The wedding has been registered at
the following stores."
LAUREN
Right.
JON
What's that mean?
LAUREN
It means that when you go to buy a
wedding gift they want you to go to
any of the stores they listed.
SETH
So what's the big deal?
LAUREN
What are these weddings? Bizarro
universes? In what other situation
are you allowed to tell people
where they can buy you gifts? Would
you do that at Christmas? Send out
lists of acceptable places where
people could buy you stuff? No!
You'd be an outcast of society if
you did that!
SETH
I think it's to prevent people
buying the same thing. Ya know, so
you don't get five toasters.
LAUREN
(sarcastic) Oh, god forbid you get
duplicates of gifts. How dare those
inconsiderate monsters you invited
to your wedding bring you such
useless gifts. How rude can people
be!
Jon shrugs.
JON
What are you gonna do?
LAUREN
I don't know. But I'm gonna do
something.
JON
This can only go well.
INT. JONS PARENTS HOUSE KITCHEN - MORNING
Jon enters the kitchen wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt.
His hair is ruffled and he is yawning like he just got up. He
sits at the kitchen table.
Paul is at the stove cooking. He has a frying pan with EGGS
on it.
JON
Morning.
PAUL
I thought you were going to sleep
all day.
Jon looks at the clock. It READS "10:45".
PAUL
You want some eggs? Maybe some
toast?
JON
Yeah, sure. That'd be great. I'm
starving.
Paul brings the frying pan over to Jon and is about to put
the food on his plate when he looks at the clock.
PAUL
Oh, wait a minute. It's not really
morning anymore, is it?
JON
Uh, it's 10:45.
PAUL
Well, restaurants start serving
lunch at 10:30 so I guess we can't
really call this time of day
morning, can we? It's more like
lunch time.
JON
Uh...
Paul walks over to the trash.
PAUL
What I have here is breakfast food.
And you certainly can't eat
breakfast food for lunch, can you?
Paul, in one smooth motion, flings the food into the trash.
Jon is shocked.
PAUL
Maybe next time you'll get up in
time for breakfast, hmm? I was up
at 6:30 this morning, mowing the
lawn. That's how you have a
productive day, young man. What do
you think of that?
JON
I'm starting to understand why Mr.
Thompson has his dog use our lawn
as a bathroom.
INT. JONS BEDROOM - DAY
Jon is sitting at his computer when his cell phone RINGS.
JON
Hello?
Seth is on the other side, driving in his car.
SETH
Jonny-boy.
JON
Hey Seth. How'd the interview go?
SETH
I just left. I got the job, I start
Monday.
Jon leans forward in disbelief.
JON
You got the job?
SETH
Yup.
JON
The computer programming job? For
the military?
SETH
Yup.
JON
How the hell did you do that?
SETH
I discovered a loophole in the
system.
JON
What loophole?
SETH
Get this: Companies don't check out
information on resumes!
JON
What?
SETH
I know, crazy isn't it? But in any
interview you've ever had, has
anybody even checked to see if you
actually graduated from college?
Jon thinks about it.
JON
...No, I guess not.
It's great! I got the idea from the
news last night. Some high powered
CEO was recently caught for lying
on his resume 10 years ago. I
figured I'd give it a try.
JON
Aren't you concerned about the fact
that the guy got caught?
SETH
Ten years down the line! By that
time I'll be long gone.
JON
Don't you think a US military
computer programming job might be
able to determine that you have no
idea what the hell you're doing by
the first day?
SETH
I'll cross that bridge when I come
to it. As far as they're concerning
right now, they just hired a MIT
grad student with a 4.0 GPA who
just happened to have invented e
mail when he was ten years old.
JON
At least you were subtle.
SETH
I gotta go. I'll call you later, we
can celebrate.
Seth hangs up. Jon stares at his phone is disbelief.
INT. JONS PARENTS HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Jon and Paul are sitting watching TV. Paul is fumbling with
the remote controls as the TV screen flickers.
PAUL
Oh, Chinatown. I love this movie.
You ever seen Chinatown?
JON
No.
PAUL
It's a classic. How could you have
never seen it?
JON
Never got the chance, I guess.
PAUL
You have to see it. Are you sure
you've never seen it?
Jon gets more flustered.
JON
Yeah. Positive. I think I'd
remember.
PAUL
It's great, you should see it.
JON
I'll get right on it.
A beat.
PAUL
Are you 100% sure you've never seen
it?
JON
Jesus Christ, I've never seen the
goddamn movie!
PAUL
Well, somebody's a grump. I hope
you're in a better mood tomorrow
when we reshingle the garage roof.
Jon's phone RINGS. Jon picks it up and leaves the room.
INT. JONS PARENTS HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
Jon enters the kitchen and answers the phone.
JON
Hello?
On the other end, ERIC, early 20s, drunk and wild, stands in
a noisy room. He has a bottle of alcohol in his hand and a
dress tie tied around his head like a ninja sash.
ERIC
JON! How the hell are you, man?
JON
Hey, what's up Eric. I'm good I
guess. Getting used to being back
at home.
ERIC
Yeah? We miss you around here, man.
School just ain't the same
withoutcha. Hold on.
He takes the phone away from his ear and yells to someone off
camera.
ERIC
Yeah guys, just put the kegs over
there in the corner! No, the other
corner, next to the hot tub!
JON
You guys got a hot tub?
ERIC
Yeah, funny story. The landlord
came by the other day and told us
that he wanted to up the value of
the house so he went ahead and
installed a hot tub! Crazy, huh?
JON
That's incredible!
Eric yells again.
ERIC
Hey, ladies, some of you are gonna
have to put your clothes back on!
This is getting a little out of
hand!
JON
What's going on over there?
ERIC
Oh, nothing dude. Just having a
little party. A bunch of Playboy
playmates moved into the house next
door as part of some upcoming
Playboy "College years" photoshoot.
JON
Are you kidding me?!
ERIC
Yeah dude, it's pretty wild.
Anyway, I was just calling to say
what's up. I guess I'll see you
soon, huh?
JON
Yeah, sure, I think I might-
Eric yells again.
ERIC
Aw, no way dude! It's my turn to
ride the elephant!
The call ends. Jon stares at his phone is amazement again.
PAUL (O.C.)
Jon! Get in here! I threw my back
out trying to reach for the remote
control!
He MOANS in pain.
PAUL
It looks like you might have to
reshingle the garage by yourself
tomorrow!
Jon rubs his temples and then leaves the kitchen.
THE END
Linear Mode
